Now that we’ve enjoyed, ignored, or survived another Valentine’s Day, it’s likely as good a time as any to ask a question I have long believed is critical to any successful relationship, whether it’s dating, friendship, marriage, or even a business alliance.
Are you the best partner you can be?
If you want a successful relationship, you are responsible for managing a minimum of half of it. And your share iss also all of the relationship over which you have any control. So you are obviously highly motivated to give it your best.
(It may be helpful here to point out that in many instances, “control” is elusive, if not impossible. In my experience, influence is the most you can hope for. But I digress.)
I’ve been happily married to the same wonderful woman for 34 years and counting. I’ve seen personal and business relationships succeed and fail quietly and spectacularly. And I have been flattered and honored by multiple requests and suggestions that I teach a course, give a TED talk, counsel a husband or boyfriend (!), or otherwise share more of what I’ve learned about how and why relationships that work do so.
Instead, I thought I’d start here.
Dortch’s Recommendations for Relationship Partner Success
Be authentic. Don’t waste your time trying to be someone or something you aren’t. You be you.
Focus on what really matters to you both. Take care of what only matters to you on your own time. .
Choose your words carefully. Pronouns such as "we" and "us" can be more powerful and positive than "I" and "you." Wherever possible, replace statements such as “I hate it when you do X” with statements likely to be less triggering – more like “whenever X happens, I feel Y.”
Never blame the other person for anything. Negotiating and navigating past the issue together is far more important and valuable than arguing about who caused it.
Apologize first.
Listen, pay attention, and remember -- but NEVER use a memory as a "but-what-about-this?" attack or defense. Ever.
Never go to bed angry.
Laugh together at as much as possible.
Treat your partner at least as well as you most like to be treated.
Perhaps most important, NO ZERO-SUM GAMES. If both of you don't win or agree to table the matter, you both lose.
If you can only remember one recommendation, I defer to Robert Stephan Cohen. He is a long-time divorce lawyer and the author of the book, "Reconcilable Differences: 7 Keys to Remaining Together from a Top Matrimonial Lawyer." In an interview with Susan Spencer of CBS News, he offered his view of the most important key to a successful relationship. "Not expecting perfect, but trying to be perfect."
Now What? Your Serve...
I am naively optimistic enough to believe there is value in trying to look at what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. Writing about things like those in this piece is part of that process. So to echo my ABCs of human motivation, the achievement of writing and sharing these posts delivers the benefit of helping me crystallize some thoughts and feelings, and tighten up some of the internal connections linking my body, mind, and spirit.
This collection of thoughts and feelings also offers the promise of connection with others. That's where you come in.
Your reactions eagerly sought and warmly welcome. Feel free to leave your thoughts wherever you’re reading this if comments are supported, or to email me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com. I hope this begins some interesting conversational threads, excerpts and summaries of which I will gladly and gratefully share (anonymously or with attribution as you prefer) in future outings, several of which are already in various stages of construction.
Thanks for reading. Thanks again in advance if you share your reactions with me, share this post with others, or both. And please stay connected so we can continue and extend this emerging, evolving conversation.
We All Hunger and Thirst (WAHAT) is a series of pieces I’m writing and publishing to share things I’ve learned and foster connections and conversations about various elements of life and the world. Send your suggestions and reactions to me directly at medortch@dortchonit.com and feel free to share what you’ve read with others. Thanks!
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